50 Shades of Kulecron
by Leedlemaster98
Summary: Robin plus Garrick'sMod equals BAE
1. A Magical Journey

50 Shades of Kulecron

I remember when I first met Garrick. He had heard me voice acting and showed interest. We skyped for a few weeks, and I thought he was pretty funny. He said "fuck" every third word which, me being the dominatrix I am, thought it was damn hilarious. I also LOVED his Shrek addiction-his Shrekdiction-we both had dreams of being that lucky man in Shrek is Love, Shrek is Life.

Then one day, he said, "Hey, you want to come to PAX with me?" I said yes.

When I first met him, the first thing I noticed was his lips. Those amazing, puffy, pink, clouds of loveliness. Whenever he spoke, the first thing I was drawn to were his beautiful lips. I mean shit, the first thing I said was, "Damn, you could land a plane on those things!" When I thought he was just gonna get pissed and walk off, he laughed, and said "But only your private jet," after which he winked.

And a spark was lit.

I think he noticed too, because every time I looked into those eyes, those big, beautiful eyes, I saw us. I saw a lovely house in the countryside with us in it. And in the backyard, a lovely puppy named "Fuckboi McGee" would run back and forth, attacking-and usually killing-all the mailmen who came to our house. I saw our son, named "Leroy", our daughter, "Waitforit", and our third kid, a boy, named "Jenkins". It was amazing, and we both wanted it to happen.

The week I came home, he skyped me again. He seemed different though. He seemed more aggressive, a bit more passionate. But I enjoyed that change. But he had another side to him. He was passionate. He would say the simplest things like, "I wonder how big your penis is?" and it was those little things that would make me happy. I loved how he could be passionate and loving at the same time, and it only made the love between us grow more.

A couple weeks later, he invited me to his house in Colorado. Naturally, I said yes.

I packed up all the things I wanted for the trip, namely my special box, which I named, " The Stripper Starter Pack" which contained the contact info for a midget stripper agency I knew about, an iPod with nothing but 100 tracks of "Let's Get it On" and three gallons of sour cream. I also packed a flare gun, in case I was attacked by bears or other dangerous beasts that roamed the cul-de-sacs of Colorado, and my favorite copy of Robot Roller Disco Derby Dodgeball with the "nude mod" installed.

During the wild and exciting trip from Washington to Colorado, I witnessed many new and adventurous things. I saw a mom van full of children with a road raged mom in the driver's seat ram an 18 wheeler on a 2 lane highway. I saw one of the fabled "Rest Stops" I had heard of in tales of olde that were known to be dens of thievery, murder, and drug dealing. I drove by a famed "McDonalds", a hellhole I had heard of that sucks people in, fills them with poisonous slop, and never lets them leave.

But eventually I reached Garrick's house. He was waiting outside the house with a sign that said, "welcum fukboy rbin". After I got inside, he offered me a soda, which I promptly drank.

He then said, "Come on, I'll show you around the house."

The first place he showed me was the bathroom.

"This is where we leave Jazzy for days on end with no food or water if she's disobedient," he said casually.

Then he showed me the living room.

"This is where normal people watch TV, but we youtubers watch an average of 2 miliseconds of TV a year, so I don't really know anything about this place."

Then, he showed me the basement.

"Here's where I do all my YouTube and twitch shit, your PC will go here. But don't look at mine, cause I always leave a tab up of and you don't want to see some of the shit I have on there."

"You obviously haven't seen my special box," I said with a troll face.

Finally, he showed me his room.

The walls were covered with unrelated phrases scrawled on the wall. Some of the more notable phases were, "The chicken is a lie," "Down with the horsefuckers," and "Wow bro u srsly cum me?"

I asked what all of these were for, and he simply responded, "It all started when I was 6."

We stared at each other for about 2 minutes, me expecting a follow up, but I didn't get one.

"Hey, you mentioned a 'special box' earlier? Funny as that is, I have one too."

"Oh!" I said eagerly. "Well let's see it!"

He walked up to a poster showing fluttershy beating rainbow dash in the face with a fire extinguisher and pulled it back to reveal a hole in the wall. In the hole, was a cardboard FedEx box.

He removed the box and placed it on the bed and opened it up.

The box contained a myriad of items: a shrek mask, a delux pack of life savers and a tube of superglue.

"What's all this for?" I asked.

He turned to me and screamed in a Scottish voice: "'Eetl all be revailed when the toime cooms!"

End Chapter 1


	2. Shrek: An Unexpected Jourey

The first morning in Garricks house. I couldn't think of anything more magical! I hopped out of bed, kicked Jazzy who was sleeping in the doorway and made my way downstairs. There, sitting on the counter, was my favorite cereal, Shrekeoes. I began to reach for it, but another hand got to it before mine.

"I called dank memes on it," said Garrick in a menacing voice.

So I let Garrick gorge into the cereal. But after a little while, he looked up, and noticed my sadness, so he pushed his bowl of shrekeoes towards me. Afterwards, we went outside, into the cute little cul de sac, and sat in the backyard.

"Hey Robin?" asked Garrick.

"What's up?" I answered.

"I want to show you something," he said, motioning to the shed.

He stood up and made his way to the shed. I followed behind him, thinking of what surprise could be awaiting me in the shed. He unlatched the door and opened it with a creak. Slowly, I was exposed to the beautiful wonder that awaited me inside.

Inside, were piles upon piles of the most amazing game in the universe: Shrek: An Unexpected Journey.

"I've never even heard of this game!" I said amazed.

"That's because I own every copy in existence," he said casually with a smirk.

I slowly turned my head to him and said, "I could kiss you right now."

"Ew, what? You think just because our story is called 50 Shades of Kulecron, it's just gonna be about kinky sex? Who would write a story like that :kappa:?"

"I dunno, some weird perv I guess," I said with a shrug.

"So," Garrick said, turning back to the pile of shrek, "we gonna boot this baby up or what?"

So we inserted the disk into Garrick's PC. The splash screen played, displaying ads for Mountain Dew and Doritoes. Then he started the game. The screen displayed shrek's face, and the computer began to rumble. Then, the whole house started to rumble. A green glow emanated from the computer. Suddenly, we were bathed in its green glow, and before we knew it, we were inside the game.

End Chapter 2


	3. Dank Memes Revealed

I opened my eyes to see what was around me. What lay in front of me was a common sighting from my childhood—Shrek's swamp. The familiar tree stump-thing house surrounded by a niiice boulder was sitting in front of me. I looked around for Garrick. But he was nowhere to be seen. I decide I would approach the house.

I heard casual conversation and laughter coming from inside the house. Slowly, I opened the wooden door.

Sitting at the table was Garrick. But what truly shocked me and filled me with amazement…was Shrek sitting across from Garrick. They were both laughing.

"Garrick!" I yelled. "What is all of this?"

Garrick turned to me, a rat sticking out of his mouth. He slurped it down, and turning to Shrek, said "Man, these chicken wings are awesome!" Then he turned back to me. "Hi Robin! Look! IT'S SHREK!"

Shrek gracefully stood up from his seat. "Oi preeseume yew most bee roiben," said Shrek, his Scottish accent still think in his voice. "Moi naimes Shrehk."

"Pleased to meet you Shrek! Let me just say, I'm a huge fan-"

"Listen," he interrupted. "Oi'd loaf teh tolk, but oi half an eemairgency thaht ya need tew healp me weeth," he said grimly.

"Uh, yeah, sure! Uh…what do you need?" I said, stumbling for words.

"Lord Fahrquohd's brothair, Lord Dickquohd, is sendeeng an airmy ohf daink memes to taik me swamp!" he yelled.

"Oh no," said Garrick with a gasp. "Which memes?"

"Philosoraptor, Bahd jeewk eehl, ond couraige wohlf," he responded darkly, no smile appearing on his face.

"Mother FUCK!" yelled Garrick.

I, too, was greatly worried for Shrek's sake. Lord Dickwad was sending a very formidable force indeed.

"I think I speak for my #4 sideho Garrick when I say, I'm ready to help you defend your swamp."

Shrek turned back to me, pumped his fist, and yelled, "LEETS FOHKEN DEW EET LAHDS!"

End Chapter 3


	4. The Dankest Of ALL The Memes

"Ohkee," said Shrek to us in front of his house, "fahrst thangs fahrst. Wee need tew beeld dafainces," he said.

"Cool," said Garrick. "I know that courage wolf's weakness is browser history, so I'll set up an internet history force field."

"What?" I said with disbelief, "How do you create a shield out of browser history?"

"Watch and learn fuckboi, watch and learn," he said, turning to Shrek's property fence.

"PORNHUB!" he yelled. A wave of pulsating energy left his mouth and spread all around the house, then disappeared. "THEPIRATEBAY!" he yelled again, strengthening the power of the force field. Then he reared back, ready to let loose the final touch to the force field. "THEEEE DAAAAARK NEEEEEEET!" he roared, as more thundering energy flew from his mouth. After the last of hit had strengthened the force field, all I could do was look at him slack jawed.

"Aight," said Garrick, as if nothing even happened, "what's next?"

"Bahd jeewk eehl," responded Shrek.

"Ooh!" Garrick piped up. "I know that bad joke eel's weakness is good jokes! But how do we do that? All we know is vulgar, crude humor!"

"Ay," I said, butting into the conversation. "I got this."

I turned towards Shrek, closed my eyes, and concentrated. I put forth all my willpower into what I was attempting. I could feel the energy building up. Suddenly, there was an explosion of light, and only after a few seconds could I see the glory of what I had summoned.

It was Bo Burnham.

"Bo-" I began.

"I heard everything on the way over," said Bo, a tone of urgency in his voice. "I know what to do. You concentrate on making defenses for Philoseraptor." He ran towards the force field, stopped just short of it, and sat down, not moving.

"Ohkee, thaht jost leeves Philoseraptor," said Shrek.

"But how do we defend against the dankest of all the memes?" I asked nervously.

"We'll need to work together and concentrate all our power into one force if we're to beat him," said Garrick. "We'll know what to do when the time comes."

"Now all we can do," I said, "is wait."

End Chapter 4


End file.
